Starting to understand why people believe in heaven, it’s so much easier going about your day believing that you can see a loved one again. As I sit here and cry with the rain feeling like I have been punched in the stomach over and over again wishing I could hear my brothers laugh just one more time, wishing I could see him smile, regretting the times I stayed far away, regretting the choices I did and did not make as his little sister and all of the regrets in between. All I can think about is how nice it would be to actually have a place to to my loved ones again, but I know it’s not a thing. There is no staircase in the sky that’s going to-lead me to the people who have left too soon. If there was a heaven that means there is a god and I refuse to believe someone so cruel exist. If there was a a god why would he put me in this world with constant pain? There’s a few “oh that sucks” moments in life but this life of my has been constantly painful. When I have these thoughts the flash backs come in so vivid it makes me want to puke. What god would let the horrors I experienced as a child happen? Memories so dark I still can’t remember some of them that haunt my dreams. What kind of god would let me suffer so much as a child and take my brother away at only 15 years old only to take my other brother 15 short years later? Why was a I raped? Why wasn’t I loved? Why did all this bad shit happen to me and continue to happen to me if there was a magical man in the sky “protecting me” sometimes I feel like I’m in some cruel experiment and spend everyday waiting for my happiness to get ripped away. The amount of time I spent self sabotaging so no one can hurt me is pathetic, because in my mind something will always take away what makes me happy. What “protector” would let that happen? So sadly I don’t feel I have something to look forward to after death, nor do I ever feel like I’ll ever see my loved ones again and that is a frustrating feeling. I guess there is no point to this other than to say I’m hurt and I don’t know what to do.