I have not posted in awhile, because in my mind I have been “self healing” I have been lying to myself. What I have been actually doing is distracting myself from my pain. It has now almost been a year since I have gone no contact with my father. The only granddaughter he will ever have is now 6 months old and he has never held her, he seen her once and barely looked at her… it’s been almost 4 years since I have seen my mother the only granddaughter she has that came from a daughter, she has never seen in person. Recently my mother has started calling me again, little things here and there random things but never sober and only wanting to talk about what all her other kids are doing. I expressed how I would prefer a conversation with her that included literally anything other then other people’s business. Because I honestly believe my siblings would not like me to know what they are doing just as I don’t see the need for them to know what I am doing and that angered her. We are adults, living our own lives just as it should be. It gave me hope things could get better with my mother but sadly it just makes the pain worse. I was sitting here folding laundry when I realized I am horrible at folding a fitted sheet, I then broke down in tears remembering my mother is good at everything, cleaning folding sheets, crafts, you name it my mother mastered it. The one thing she wasn’t good at was being a mother, maybe it was because she didn’t have the best parents, maybe it was because she had too many kids way too young, maybe it was a million little things combined. I can’t tell you why my mother couldn’t love all of us the same. What I can tell you is I would do anything to sit here with my mother have a simple conversation about anything other then drama and gossip and have her teach me how to fold a fitted sheet, all I wanted was a one on one bond with my parents. I just wanted to be loved and accepted for who I am. I am far from perfect I am damaged beyond repair but I didn’t become like this on my own. It was a lifetime of never being good enough. It was being left alone by my mother because she had kids to young and needed freedom (I’m not talking as a teenager, I was left alone to watch my younger sister in elementary school) it was years of my father telling me I’m just like my mother, a women who he viewed so horribly, a women who he called a whore right in front of my face, someone who he bad mouthed nonstop. I became this way because I would never be good enough to parents that I loved so much and would do anything for which I proved over and over again. I have been spending my entire life trying to be good enough for everyone not realizing that I am good enough for me and sometimes that has to be enough. When I tell people I don’t talk to my parents I can see the judgment in their eyes, some people have even expressed how cruel I am being, how could I not speak to the people that gave me life? How could I be so selfish. Well to answer your judgment (not that I owe any explanation to anyone) I love my parents more then I could ever explain. Those two people did in fact give me life but they did not give me a reason to live. I have never felt loved, I have never felt good enough, I have never felt appreciated and I know what you’re thinking, “that’s your problem for how you feel, your parents are not responsible for you anymore you’re an adult!” Exactly my friends, I am an adult and as an adult and a parent myself it’s my responsibility to not be hurt, and being in my parents lives is constantly hurting me which in turn hurts my children. For the first time in my life I feel loved, I feel appreciated, and I feel that I am enough. The way my three children look at me with eyes full of love and wonder is the most magical gift that someone could receive. If I let my parents hurt me, I cannot be the best mother I can be, if I am constantly trying to get their approval I can’t spend that time and energy on my amazing babies. I love my parents dearly but I love my kids far more. Are there a few kinks in this rope I call my life? Absolutely, but I’m taking it day by day and breaking the cycle because as much as I want a day to learn all the amazing things my mother knows how to do I know it’s just not a reality. What is a reality tho? Being healthy and happy teaching my kids all the amazing things I know how to do and learning the things I don’t know how to do together. I’m never going to be normal but I can tell you I can be okay and everyday is another step forward in being the best me that I can be every single day I am, a work in progress. 💕
Work in progress 