“Just words”

When I was young I was constantly told you should “be more like your older sister” she was prettier in my mothers eyes, she was skinner, she was smarter, she was everything my mother ever wanted in a daughter. What does that do to a child? It taught me at a very young age that I was to compete for my mothers love, and believe me I did. When all of my siblings left my mother I stuck around I wouldn’t leave the mental and physical abuse because I fully believed by staying I could finally be better then my sister, I could finally be the daughter my mother wanted. I was so very wrong, it just caused more mental abuse because the children my mother wanted around were not there. My mother has said the most hurtful things that anyone could say to their child “if I believed in abortions you and your little sister would never be here” my younger sister and I have a different father then her 5 older children. She loved their father, she never loved mine. My father was an escape to a better life according to my mother, my father “lied to her” and told her he could not have children. Which is another slap in the face reminder that she never wanted us. All she did was talk bad about my father which was so emotionally damaging to my development as a child even more so because at my fathers all I heard was them talk bad about my mother, my mother was a whore, my mother cheated, my mother never loved my father and just used him, now granted my father never said he didn’t want us in fact he would always say that we were the only good thing that came out of the marriage and I do appreciate that he did that even tho I know it’s not true. I wish my parents understood how damaging it was to hear them bad mouth each other because this is where my dad messed up the most, anytime he got upset with me his very first response would be “you are just like your mother why can’t you be more like your little sister?!” now even as a adolescent I put together that my dad thought I was “a whore, a cheater, a liar and just a bad person in general” how do you say that to your daughter? You know what a horrible mother she has, you know that you are the only chance at a normal parent and that’s how you choose to parent? Shame on you father, shame on you for taking an already hurt child and telling them that they are just like the person you hate most in the world. You may see these as “just words” but these words have haunted me my entire life, I spent years trying to be like my sister to please my abusive mother, and then spent years trying to fit in this box to be what my father wanted in a daughter. He thought he had that in my little sister because she was so “easy” she went to his religious services like he wanted, she stayed out of trouble, she faked what my dad wanted her to be to keep him happy. My point is, both my parents rejected me for not being like my sisters, sure you can label this a classic case of “middle child syndrome” but I can assure you, this has a happy ending. Granted there are a lot more chapters in this life of mine but these memories molded me in to the person I am today. What if I told you the daughters they cherished did not turn out so good? This isn’t their story and I’m not going to let it be about them but what I will tell you is, the older smarter, prettier sister did not own up to the label she was given yeah she still has her looks and is still worshiped by my mother but she didn’t do anything with her life. She got pregnant at 16 and became a stripper. The little angel that can do no wrong? Well she actually did end up being just like my mother despite never being told she would. She got pregnant at 17 and had a failed marriage by 19 following several failed relationships. She bounced around from guy to guy just like my mother. Is she still perfect in my father’s eyes? Sure is. There was never anything I could have done to be the child my parents wanted but let me tell you what, I am thankful for their mental abuse. Yeah I hurt, and I’ll never be considered okay. Ill probably always crave the love of a parent that I will never receive but I am okay. I spend my time refusing to be like my mother so I thank my father for putting it in my head not to be. I am the one that is not only successfully married but happily married, I own my home, I drive nice cars, I have happy heathy children not exposed to alcohol drugs and men in and out of their life. My parents said I would never be good enough so I proved them wrong. All the years I spent trying to make them proud knowing they never would be gave me the best life. I take so much pride in the fact that I built this life with out their help, with out their guidance love and support. My biggest point in this blog is, when you come from a damaged childhood you have two options. You can become a victim and let that ruin your life, you can turn to alcohol, drugs and partying and say “I was never loved and this is how I cope” OR you can let them burry you as a seed and GROW take all that pain and turn it in to something beautiful. Your passed does NOT define you. Yeah they hurt you and if you let them, they will hurt you over and over again. Take that hurt and be the best you can be, not for them but for you. You deserve so much more in this life then they gave you. The world is yours, all you have to do is take it.