Motherless

As I get closer to my due date I start to realize, my mother will not be at my birth.. I have had two children and she was there for both births, I started to get sad thinking maybe not speaking to her was a mistake.. The older I get the more I realize that those are not my fears speaking to me, those are the fears caused by my anxiety, those are the fears of that little girl that wanted so bad to have not only a mother but a good mother. I am getting better and better at remembering that I am not that little girl anymore, I am an amazing women that can tell that little girl that it is okay, everything will be okay. When I start to ignore my anxiety I start to remember the good in not having my mother present. My last birth consisted of my mother convincing me to let my older sister in the room, not that there is anything wrong with my older sister but we have never been close, why should I have her in the room out of obligation? I start to think about it and I remember that my mother and sister just goofed off my entire labor and made me incredibly uncomfortable, they played around like children when I was in pain. My mother said she was going to stay with me for a week after having my last child and she ended up heading back out of town almost immediately after, when I needed the help the most. I am quickly reminded that my “support team” having both of my previous children consisted of obligation for what the normal is. My mother wasn’t the supportive type, she wasn’t motherly my whole life so why I expected her to be during child birth is beyond my thinking process. This time around I have no family obligation and I am thankful for this, when I expressed my interest in a home birth my sister responded with “why are you so weird, why can’t you just be normal” I’m sure she didn’t mean to be hurtful but it was. Now I’m sure if we were getting along out of that obligation thing we are talking about she would probably be here for that birth and fully expect to be included even tho she doesn’t agree with my choices. She would probably make me uncomfortable the whole time with her comments about how “weird I am” so in reality this is a blessing to not have the obligations. My birth team consist of only people that I want to be here and people that want to be here out of love, not obligation. My birth team consist of a group of supportive people that have nothing but love for my children and I. Even tho none of them would personally have a home birth their selves they don’t express it as “weird” and put me down for it, they understand my reasons and know that I know what’s best for my family. My point is, sometimes I feel a little sad I have no blood family to share these events with but that’s when I need to remind myself that I have a better family, a family of zero obligation, people that choose to love and accept me for who I am not the blood we share. I know everyday I will be fighting back the emotions of that little girl with a broken heart but part of healing is accepting you’re hurt and I know someday that inner child of mine will heal perfectly because of all the love surrounding her that she so desperately needed growing up. Everyday gets a little better, and a little brighter.