Some people think that I am only where I am today because of my spouse.. I think it’s time to answer to that rumor. Of course I am where I am because of my husband, he is what truly keeps me going because he is everything I am not, and I am everything he is not. People can look at my marriage and see that nine year age gap and with out a second thought think “gold digger” highly amusing to me because I really need to find all this money that I’m after. When I first got with my husband he drove a new sports car and my bitter siblings who only want to see the bad in every situation automatically assumed “made of money” what they don’t realize is, you can go a long way as a RESPONSIBLE adult. My husband didn’t go out and get someone pregnant as a teenager, he didn’t ruin his credit the moment he could get loans, he made smart choices and worked hard to finance his dream car. That doesn’t mean he has a ton of money, it means he was responsible enough to qualify for a loan. Keep in mind, at 22 years old I also drove a new car, was it a sports car? No that’s impractical for a single mother of a 3 year old, I drove a nice reliable new Toyota that I paid my bills on because even tho I made the choice to have a child at 18 I did the right thing and I grew up I refused to let the “teen mom” label that was now given to me, make me bitter and blame that for everything I did not have in life. What people don’t know about my marriage is that my husband and I built each other up, we created a blended family that was perfect for us, we built each other up in promotions, we held each other up well buying our very first home, after making a huge life change and taking on something we have never done before my husband was let go from his long time job, and it was HARD, we were expecting our third child and I was more stressed then ever before but you know what I didn’t do? I didn’t run, I stuck by my amazing husband like I have so many times before and like he has stuck by me because that’s what you do when you love each other. With each other’s love and support we made it by just fine like we always do but my point is, without genuine love for someone that can not be done. It was early in our marriage when my husband discovered that I was so very broken, that I had anxiety, that I had panic attacks like he had never seen before, that I was so incredibly lost in this world coming from a broken family, that the broken family that had made me the way I am, would always be there to chew me up and spit me out because they were equally broken. That my family could make me feel like I should not be alive, that my own blood could make me believe that the world would be a better place without me. He had every reason to run, I mean wouldn’t you? Could you wake up to someone so broken every single day for the rest of your life? Never knowing what could happen when your spouses family decides they are bored and want to stir some sort of emotional pot? Well after a few years of hiding this person from the man I loved of fear of losing the best person I have ever known I finally snapped I finally had the worst panic attack in front of him sure that it was the end of my marriage. You know what he did? He held me, he helped me control my breathing, he reminded me that I am not what those people say I am, he reminded me that what they think is a flaw is the reason he fell in love with me in the first place and why our love continues to grow. I spent years thinking if he saw this side of me I would lose him for sure but in reality he felt bad that I was having those feelings alone, he constantly reminds me that I am not that little girl that has no voice, I’m not that little girl that has to cry alone because there is no one there to care. For everything I wasn’t given as a child, I am rich with now. I didn’t have a mother to tuck me in at night or so much as even be home but now I get to be that mother that tucks my beautiful babies in, I get to be the mother that shows up and that my kids are proud to have. I didn’t have a father to protect me, I didn’t have a father that listened to me when something was wrong or to teach me what every little girl needs to learn, that she is perfect and deserves the very best. After a ton of bad relationships not knowing my worth I finally get to watch that man of my dreams do those things for our children. He chases all the monsters away, and when he has his daughter he will be there cleaning his gun to greet any boy that thinks they can make his daughter feel anything less then the princess she is. My husband has given me everything I have ever wanted not because he has money but because he is genuinely a good person. If all you see is an age gap or what you think is his money then you are the one with the issue not us. Most people see a family working together towards an amazing future. Don’t worry I don’t blame you for being so negative, as children we were taught to “live for today” and that’s the path you may choose to take and that’s perfectly okay but if your choices don’t lead you where you want don’t look my way and point fingers about why I have what I have because life is about choices and we all had the option to make ours I am making mine every day just as you are making yours. Sadly my choice to part with the people that were defined as my family growing up has brought me more peace then I have had in my life. It’s not that I wish any of them any bad, I just wish myself so much good that I refuse to let anything or anyone make me feel less then I am. The only people’s opinions that matter are my my husband and my kids and by focusing all of my energy on them and only them is giving them something I never had and believe it or not that actually is slowly but surly filling the hole in my heart. I can’t change my past but I sure am paving the road for a beautiful future. This isn’t to make anyone feel bad about them selves it’s to spread the word about not judging a book by its cover, don’t speak of what you don’t know about and even more importantly it’s about self love and healing.
Work in progress 