Cutting ties

One of the hardest things to do is to accept that people you love can hurt you. Why would people you love cause you so much pain? In my opinion it’s just a never ending cycle. You can either be just like them and hurt people you love or you can take yourself out of the situation and break the cycle. I have a big family, and believe me that is NOT an understatement. Do I talk to any of them? No. Because to me, they are toxic. They are the kind of people that rather talk about everyone else’s lives rather then focus on making their own lives better. Misery loves company and I for one, hate the gossip. I never felt good being around them, I always felt worse after talking to them because the conversations are always about other people. Not even positive things about other people, always negative. Maybe that’s normal, maybe I’m the one that is weird and out of place for not wanting to talk about other people’s lives but honestly, I’m okay with being weird. If being weird means staying to myself and choosing happiness then being weird is what I will always choose. I think most people will tell you that family is important and you should adapt to how they are and just learn to deal with it. Sorry to tell you but I’m not most people and I firmly believe if your family hurts you, you need to cut ties. Mental abuse is just as bad as physical abuse, and maybe as a child you have to deal with it but as an adult you do not. I have gone too many years trying to see the good in people that just does not exist. I put other people first so many times in my life that I just can’t stomach it anymore. Little by little I have cut ties with family to the point where it does not even remotely bother me anymore. It’s actually weight lifted off my shoulders to cut ties with the baggage that has held me down. Toxic family is a cancer for your happiness, you have to remove it before it spreads. Letting go of my mother was one of the hardest things I have done, we are wired to love our mothers no matter how horrible they are. The longer I go with out my mother the better I feel. Why? Because she was the start of it all, I know that it starts before her with her parents but she is the start of my story and that’s all that matters to me. I expressed to her how much she hurt me growing up and she disregarded it and basically thinks it’s something I should just get over it. I understand that I can’t change the past, I understand that she can’t take a way the hurt but what she could have done is knowledge that it did happen, and she did hurt me. I know that she can’t change it but a simple apology is in reach for her. She can easily say she is sorry and actually try to change the pattern but instead she choose to deny all of it. Funny how she can talk about how much she hurt as a child but refuse to accept she hurt her own children. I realized at that moment that I would never be happy around my mother, she will always cause me pain. With that information how could I be a good mother if I’m not happy? How could I give my children the love they deserve if I am chasing my parents love? The answer, I couldn’t. So I am going on three years of no contact with her and I can tell you I have never been better. There’s still times when I wake up in the middle of the night with a panic attack over a dream of my childhood and believe me, it hurts. Yet I find comfort in knowing that it’s over, I find comfort that someday those memories will be far behind me and there will be no new bad ones to come. Because I won’t let my mother hurt me anymore. I can go in and watch my children sleep peacefully with no nightmares of hurt caused by me because I will break the cycle. My babies will hate me for many reasons in the future, they will hate me when I make them do their home work, they will hate me when they have to brush their teeth, they will hate me when they have to go to bed at a certain time. All of that I am okay with, because I know they will never feel the hurt that I felt. Hating your parents for things that are good for you is a blessing, those are healthy feelings. What my babies will never feel is all that matters to me. They will never know what it’s like to go to sleep alone what ever time they want at 9 years old, just to wake up alone, they will never know what its like to not know where their mother is for 24 hours, they will never know what its like to have random men in and out of their home, they will never see a drunk mother stumble in at all hours of the night, they will never go to sleep hungry or scared, they will always have someone there to comfort them, they will never have to wonder if their mother is going to be in a drunk rage and physically and mentally abuse them when they get home, they will never have to love someone who can’t love them back. My children will have plenty of little reasons to hate me but I know the fact that they do think they hate me means that I am doing what my mother never did. I am loving them, with everything I have. Children of abuse sadly never hate their abusers, they love them to no end, they love them even tho they will not get love back. Still to this day knowing that my mother did nothing but hurt me, I love her. I still crave her love but for once I have reason to leave her behind. My love for my children is so much stronger then my need to be loved by her. Don’t read this post and feel bad for me, because that is not the goal here, read this post and take from it, evaluate your parenting from every angle like I do on a daily basis. Because the damage you do to your child can never be undone, remember that even the small stuff counts. Perfect example, my mother called me fat my whole childhood and I still can not look at my reflection with out being disgusted, words hurt more then we realize. Don’t take that as me saying I’m a perfect parent, everyday I say something to my kids that I regret. Every night I lay down and wonder if what I said will stick to them the rest of their life but you know what that means? It means I care. The fact that my mother rarely even came home and night means that she never did worry about what she was doing and how it was affecting her children. Be the best parent you can be and hope that your kids hate you for little stupid reasons because I’m telling you, you are doing something right if your kids have the option to hate you.